11 February, 2012
BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING
Firstly, let me tell you my story...
It was the summer of 2010. As usual, in these time of the year, me and my family, we went to the Algarve (which is famous for its nice beaches). I had a lot of fun and we took loads of photos. Suddenly, when I looked at myself in those photos, I realized I was a bit chubby. I thought I needed to lose some weight and I immediately started a diet.
At first, I was going pretty well. I lost some weight in a healthy way and I wasn't too skinny, I was SLIM, HEALTHIER and HAPPY. I changed little things like not eating french fries nor a lot of things fried, stop eating candies and sweets, eating whole bread, light food and fruit and vegetables, and starting to do exercise more regulary.
When school started, all my colleagues were saying I was thinner and i remember their faces while they say that, they were like "uau". I liked that "uau face", a lot. It meant to me that my effort was being reworded. But (there's alwasy a but isn't it?) these new about me didn't last so long and people became accostumed with my new body, so they stopped mention that I was thinner. In my head (and my head really controled me during the disease because it distorted everything) it sounded like I was fat again and this only meant one thing: I needed to lose even more weigh.
This is when things got out of control. In the following months (from December of 2010 to August of 2011) I stopped progressively eating some kind of food, things I really loved. I couldn't allow myself to eat, for example, ice-creams, potatoes, red meat, sodas, pizza (all the junk food was soooooo prohibited), chocolate, and so many other things that is normal for people to eat. I wanted to become a vegetarian which I almost was because I praticaly just ate fruit and greenstuff for my meals.
I only allowed myself to eat 1500 kcal a day, and if I eat less it would be better. It was a sad way to live, counting all the calories and ate and exercising like crazy.
[Sad moment: on Christmas (2010) I didn't eat any traditional food, at all. Actually I ate fewer than I normally did, I was so worry because I was afraid that by seeing all that tasty food on the table I might eat it. So i spent all Christmas running away from food and keeping myself busy, so I didn't enjoyed it. It was a sad sad Christmas for me, but at the end of the day, when I was in my bed, I thought to myself: "Good Silver, you did it, you didn't eat any of those caloric things." and I was really plesed by doing it.]
I didn't realize but I was extremely unhappy. I pushed myself from my friends so I was lonely and I barely talked. Although I have great grades and seemed I was perfectly ok, I was dying inside, slowly, by starving myself.
In 2010, when it all began, I was 14 years old, my height was aproximately 161 cm, and I weighted around 54 kg (118.8 lbs).
The minimun that I weighted during the disease was 44 kg (96.8 lbs) with 15 years old and my height was 163 cm.
Now with still 15 years old, my weigh is 56 kg (123.3 lbs). I'm not 100% confident with my body the way it is so my therapist say that I can lose some weight, in a totaly healthy way and to an equally healthy weight, if this is so important to me and is blocking me to talk to other people and do things.
Again, this blog is directed to EVERYONE who's passing through some hard times and can recognize her/his story in mine.
Do not give up trying to reach happiness because in the end that's everbody's goal.